Remember

Fragile. That’s one word to describe life. It came to me as a shock, it did take a while for it to sink it, and soon after, sadness over shadowed the initial shock. Why? Does anyone really know? I pray quietly that everyone will have peace of mind soon. We can’t really tell when something is going to happen, can we? I guess this is like a first for me. Something seems permanently wrong with my tear ducts, sadness engulfs me, and yet, even when I feel the emotions building up inside, nothing seem to be able to come out.

It seems like nothing big now, but I’m already grieving. What will the impacts be later when I actually pay my last respects? It feels quite weird talking about it; however, I find comfort in my blog because it allows me to pen my thoughts down without having to face the awkwardness of talking to someone else about it. I have a trouble with expressing myself at times yes? No ones perfect you know.

Remember. Remember him for his cheerfulness during training. Remember him for his undying spirit in cheering us on from the sidelines. Remember his enthusiasm to learn even when in new surroundings and completely out of his comfort zone. Remember his laughter and smiles that he shares with everybody, never a moment of frown from him. And yet, behind all this happy expressions, we seem to be only brushing the surface of things. Much deeper, there seems to be a troubled soul. No one really saw this coming; no one seemed to sense anything wrong.

This has taught me a rather valuable lesson. Actually, it has taught me two valuable lessons. Life is fragile, so cherish it. Even amongst all the bitching that I do on my blog and while conversing with people, I should take a step back once in a while to just tell myself how great life actually is. We shouldn’t take it for granted, cause once it’s gone, it will never come back. Another lesson would be not to take my friends for granted. Treasure all my close friends and pay extra attention if you even sense the slightest change in mood of the person. You never know when a great advice might actually do a lot of good.

Just returned home. It felt so weird just looking at him and not hearing the cheerful voice that he always has when around people. At least he looks peaceful and untroubled. We sat around solemnly, organizing our thoughts or just grieving. It is still taking some time for things to sink in. I have yet to come to terms with what has happened. Acknowledging what happened and accepting it are two very different things. I guess it will take some time.

My father bought the 晚报. It turns out that he decided to end his life by jumping. The death wasn’t immediate. Rather he suffered from a broken left leg and severe internal injuries. It took place around 8.30 in the evening and he was proclaimed dead at around 10.00 pm. The pain he must have endured during the last two hours. Apparently he was wearing VJC uniform and was carrying his school bag. The newspaper also stated that he left a note for his parents. The content we know nothing about. I guess its better this way. As what was said, we would rather not know the reason behind his action, because then, fingers would be pointed and there would be people to be blamed or be plagued by it.

We shall send him off on his final journey tomorrow. What we can do now would be to stay strong together and not let any other things get in the way. Hopefully, with time, the family will be able to let go and move on, at the same time, not forgetting what a wonderful person their son was. it breaks my heart to just see his grandmother, mother and father cry. It was so hard to listen to his father go on about how proud he was that his son had so many friends to come and pay their respects. And proud he should be. With the passing off of my last regards tomorrow, I hope he can find peace with himself.



Always lovingly remembered.

Update
Just returned from the cremation and I guess what the father said is true. We should just look ahead in the present and the future because sometimes, looking back is just too hard. I’m not sure if he knows it, but a lot of people have been impacted with what has happened. The return of DHS students and teachers, the presence of VJC students and teachers and all his other friends and relatives, there to bid him the last farewell. I could only just imagine what his parents must be feeling now. They weren’t present at the cremation because it is a religious belief that those who can’t hold back their tears should not be present so as to allow him to have a smooth journey ahead.

Is it natural to not cry? I don’t know why, but I didn’t cry, even when I went up to pay my respects. Am I that inhumane? I guess not, since I felt sad, I probably just have a problem expressing myself.

As I sit soberly, thinking, let us all say a silent prayer for him.

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