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The Future Seems Dim
Life feels like its shifting gear relentlessly. For now, the gear is escalating. My game plan for next week appears to be very jam-packed. There’s training and morning meeting on Tuesday. Somehow I must create a mental post-it to remind me to go for morning meetings. I can’t believe that I totally forgot about this week’s morning meeting. Obviously, I’m someone who needs to be constantly on the go, once I lax up even for just a bit, I start to lose momentum, and it is always hard to get back on track after that. (Probably not making sense here, but whatever)
Official gym training starts next Wednesday and after that, dinner at night with Draco cum Lynx house committee and the respective house masters. On Thursday, training and National day skit practice is going to clash. That’s if there actually is National day skit practice. If it comes down to having to choose between them, priority does go to the skit, seeing as National day is on the week after that. Friday’s probably when I can start to breathe. There’s One Sport to facilitate, maybe National day skit practice and perhaps a friendly match against SHSS. I take as read that I’m not required to be present for the friendly match because the deserving people will get to play. Unless they really lack people, like the previous Friday at Kolam Ayer. I feel “obliged” to not say main team to stress the fact that there is allegedly no main and reserve team right now. Than again, I’m no idiot and the signs are as clear as can be. Fine, I’m being a bitter bitch right now. So sue me. Sheesh, I rather not pursue this right now. On Saturday, there’s the fucking-stupid Chinese CA, which I so do not see the point of, and to top the week off, there’s “Home Sick” at night at the National Library.
Phew, it’s exhausting enough to just list them down, not really looking forward to actually getting down to doing the things on the list. (Except maybe watching “Home Sick” Haha)
Limbo. Volleyball has been really distressing me since K.A. I don’t really know why, can’t really place a finger on it, but yah, the bloody sport has been bugging the hell out of me. Helmsman week may be another reason, more time alone with myself to think. Am I setting too high expectations for myself? Honestly, I feel like I’m letting down my team mates on the court sometimes. When I’m by the sidelines, visualising myself playing up to my standards comes by so easily it seems natural. However, when I’m on the court, it’s just a whole different story. It’s just so maddening after time. I should get myself together. Once or twice is enough! How much more do I need to actually be able to play properly for once in a set? If I could like life meta-ly, I’d slap myself and bring some sense to my head.
I discover a wish I always have when I get home after training. Short-lived it may be, when I truly reflect about the wish I have, it says a lot. (For me, at least) I repeatedly wish there was training the next day, after I come home from one. The reason hit me only today and I wonder why I’ve never seen it before. Blatantly shoved towards me, it took me almost a year later to become conscious of the meaning behind it. The simple notion of the wish is that I console my pathetic self with the fact that there is still another chance. More often than not, I tell myself that I will do better the next time, filled with so much determination that I manage to even con myself for a period of time. However, when the time actually comes, so many other things have already happened that the determination just somehow slips away. And when I go to training without the determination, I suck again and tell myself the same wish when I get home. Sort of like a vicious cycle that I’m stuck in. So maybe I have determination, even passion, but it’s always short-lived.
A sense of accomplishment ironically sweeps over me at the same time. At least now I know the issues that I have to deal with and hopefully it’s still not too late to change them. Making it a conscious effort to go with the same amount of passion and determination I have after a sucky training, I’m fairly certain that it will become sub-conscious over time.
[Another self-motivation post, I really am cut out for being a psychologist/psychiatrist aren’t I? Come to think of it, what’s the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist? Haha.]
farcical-rants - 11:03 pm - Thursday, July 27, 2006
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